27 August 2006, I was put into a state of low morale and high guilt. Just wondering what is going around with me, my actions are going agains my integrity and not having any confidence in anything I am doing. I used to be able to locate the source of my demoralisation and act to it, thats why it appear that I am confident, but now I can't locate it, I don't know why is it that I am so demoralised out of a sudden.

Nowadays, when I am free it will be really free but when things starts to come such as meeting and duties it totally come together. I just rejected 2 appointments, SA meeting and class chalet. It is because I had piorities BC project and judo this time. Judo, because that I have to go for my grading soon and Judo has become one of my interest martial arts and I really want to excel in it. This wednesday is the due date for my proposal for BC, got to rush for it, I know if I were to go for SA meeting, I am so not going to complete this task, so I decided to push away SA fundraising meeting. Though its seems that I had piorities, but I am seriously very guilty of what I had done, its just that all this appointments are draining my energy that sometimes I also cancelled appointment because I overslept and stuff like these. haiz.. Should I drop one of the IGs?? I should but what should I drop?? It all dates back where I am over ambitious in the past...

thoughts: if only that the world is not so competitive..

mood: bored

27th August A.D. 2006, 4 day into the holiday. once again spend most of my time playing at home. Played Need for speed and Rise Of nation, currently on blacklist # 4!! finally i should say. In rise of nation, beat 2 country using Japan. I aided the Russian to conquer Koreans,what a change in history. Planning to break diplomatic ties with the Russian and conquer them.Still brain storming for ideas for the workshop, got some of it will be touching up a proposal and a timeline soon. Hope that East Spring will accept our proposal, it shall be a bigger project for me in Biz Climate. Speaking of that, went back to East spring to retake my O'level English, and I met my client there!!! Was like "oh My GoD", so just pretend I didn't see her,just in case she will think, how can a person who fail his english be a good presenter in workshops."_" hopefully it is just my paranoid.

I notice something. Am I getting just alittle not trustworthy? I was suppose to work yesterday, but I didn't at the very last min. The manager called me but I reject her phone. I promised my classmate to attend the chalet, but I am also having second thoughts on it. I want to work but I just don't feel like it that day. As for the chalet, its just that I am tied down to some cashflow problem. hmm just what happen to me?

August 26, 2006 A.D... woke up with a undesirable tireness that demoralise me to work. Spend most of my time brainstorming the ideas for Business Climate's "mind your own business" workshop. Did came out with abit of ideas and is drafting down my proposal soon. Sing alone in the room for 4 hours, nothing better to do.

Called shawn to check out if he is working today in Pan Pacific, he said no. Same sentiment as him, I want to work too, but no more Pan Pacific please. That place is 50% hell. So soon going on for a job hunt. Recalling what I had learnt in Enterprise module in school, not all personalites and style suits all kinds of job, guess it is pretty much true.

I saw a email from the student ambassadors. my purpose of joining this particular group of people is to do something memorable in RP. However there is this unexplanable agony in me that I just feel like moving away from SA at times. Just feel that I don't belong to that Interest Group, their styles just happen to collide with mine and I am quite suffering.

Have I lose something? I don't know just feel as if I did lose something along the way. Just that I don't know what it is. hmm, kind of miss secondary school life, miss alot of things. Alot of it. Seems to have lose the confidence I once prossess. What a lose....

A holiday of a month, how am i going to go over it? Can i get back my form within this month? well it all depends...

hmm.. am I very far away from the last blog? maybe acceptable, four days only. What I should say about these few days? serious work, serious mood? ya thats the words.

First I shall share what happen today. I retake my O'level english again, guess its badly done. I don't know how to explain is just that my mind today is not in the right state!! haiz make it everyday. Nowadays I starting to fall asleep more easily. Laziness is really ruling over me. haiz. WHAT TO DO?? but luckily I am still what i am when I am suppose to work, just lazy to travel, lazy to read, lazy to play also.

Watch THE LAST SUMARAI again today, my second time. Well, I like this movie very much, i find it very heart warming. Its not a love story between 2 people, but the loyalty and the disipline of a Samurai that makes up Japan. It sets of during the industrial age of Japan when the emperor is desperate to make Japan modern and invited lots of foreign developed countrymen to advise the Japanese. Of course, the Japanese are also desparate to overdo the western countries. But however this small group of imperial troop, the samurai feel that Japan is moving too fast and the foreign countries are slowly invading Japan. They rise against the industrial path. I shall not bore you guys with the content of the movie. But this part where I am really touch of is where the samurai push themselves forward the imperial heavy firing of machine guns. They fall apart which marks the end of the samurai, the imperial corps eventually cease the fire and pay their last respect to the trademark of the ancient Japan, the Samurai. The movie ended with the emperor rejecting the offer of arms offer and American Ambassadors direct help in the government of Japan, he quoted holding the imperial Samurai sword: " Its important for us to modernise ourselves, but we should not forget who we are"


haiz.. Mood is getting somehow bad nowadays. I scolded my brother today as he gave me some attitude face when I wanted to take over the computer, and this is not the first time he use violence to show his unhappiness. He push me and stare at me.. out of anger, I slapped him tight. But no elder is happy to beat up their own siblings, so do I shed the tears of pain when I see my own brother getting from bad to worse. I know I had pretty much failed to be a elder brother. maybe its just that they thought that I am those kind of carefree person, to be honest, I am not, there are lots of things I just choose to shut my mouth away from it. Just like my brother case, he is getting more and more rebellious and more and more rotten. he shouted at me and push me around.. I was so fed up that I almost use the judo osoto gari to pin him down, but i didn't, I know of his asthma. I shed only a few drop of tears the rest of the time I was shouting very loud at him, guess those who know me in SJAB will know how loud that is.
he cried and shouted at my parents who came out and stop us from the quarrel and also wanted to scold my brother. He told my parents that he wanted freedom he blamed my parents for his lousy self now. of course I am not happy with it, but somehow I managed to cool myself down alittle, I talk to him and he continued crying. I am still firm on one thing that I tell my brother much less also tell the SJAB when I was in power, "violence don't solve anything". I know these because I was once in deep trouble before. I slap my brother, but out there with his attitude he is bound to be killed. I reason with him alot, just hope he put those words into his mind. My family..... is a complete one but with cracks around and I want to mend it.

What i see today only makes me think back of the past. Once a carefree ignorant me have changed to what I am today. I worked so hard to have prove others wrong of what they think of me, I think i had pretty done it. But I know there is still lots of people out there who is sterotyping me, i changed my strategies, I just do what I think is right for me. I also guess my new friends in poly had just getting to know the other side of me, the serious and straight forward of me. I have spilt personalities, I know it myself. One side, the crappy, ignorant and carefree side of me is just a mask of the serious, straight forward strict side of me.

I am done for today, and just hope a better tomorrow. I shall put up the samurai spirit on me, persevere on what is right.

thoughts: the samurai is the most disciplined group of warriors I ever known, thats the reason why I am interested in japanese martial arts and the samurai so much.

just what I am

Mmmmm.. Late? am I?? nope.. not so..

How's life?? just as usual, no deep impact. Just getting busy. Get a hands on finally on Business, from business climate. I guess it is quite a poorly perform IG internally. What's wrong?? well, you can't really blame, business who is really interested? well I am but not others. Alot of people was attracted by business because of money, the "M" that drives. But not for me, passion drives me. Money? yes it is important, but it can never be the drive for me to do things that i don't like to. Student Ambassador, its an very well run IG, nothing much a problem in there, professional commitment, yes they have. I am driven by the impression i had on SA, the organised working way, just want to be part of them, and I really want to, but i am yet qualified? Judo, nah just a sport , not much organisation, but it really trained my mind, to be a perservered person.

That should be all, majority of my life is revolving around school and home. nothing much. I know its back to boring me. But I have a dream to persue............ hmmmm

yawn!!!

Another little time slot to blog..hmmm... Getting very busy liao.. SA meetings, BC meetings JUDO training.wah.. can really kill me. hmm.. short blog here, I have no energy to type anymore..

liFE GETTING BORING.

(look around) opps.. dusty blog I had.. hmm. .. What a long long time since the last time I blog..hmm, finally found that little time to blog today.. Hmm, so what can i blog?

National Day..
Torned out the night before after the fireworks.. So its Honsonn, Jing Ren, Derrick and me, walking around the CBD area. We chat, sing, and so on. Met shawn and his classmate at 4-5 plus. Where we chat with shawn.

Speaking of that, WAHAHA, Honsonn recognise the wrong person..haha. He thought Anitawa to be a girl who he thinks is "chio" haha.. but it didn't turn out to be? haha. Speaking of Anitawa, suddenly some distant cousin of her, Anitasa.. (Anita S***) come to my mind. My secondary life was a interesting one due to some songs.. haha( honsonn should know what i mean).

National day was a whole day camp for me, I reach home at 7++ am and was knocked out till then. Watch national day parade. then thats the end for national day.

Other matters....
I was also very happy that my toes are clear from injuries and will be back to judo. HAHA.. grading coming soon, will be yellow belt then, provided I pass. But seriously hope I pass. Don't want to be mocked for not being good in judo. OSOTO GARI..

Biz Climate. hmm.. My project, "jaunt and retreat" hmm the signing up don't look very nice? what happen?? isit because they don't trust a year one heading a project or??? haiz.. perception errors, what an example. Lets hope the result wil be better, I will persevere, hope my teammates are then so, don't lose hope on me.. I am just disabled, not unabled.

Student Ambassador, don't find myself super active there, go to workshops and so from here, haven't really head or involve in projects from here. Why? maybe is the sense of infior..

Just recently during Yi Qi's birthday,in the middle of the night; 56 teams had a liitte chit-chat session and our ex love life was brought out. Shawn, Honsonn, Jing Ren shared their piece of mind. But I didn't really share. Nothing much to share actually, its all history. But shawn said that I have nothing to be proud of my ex-relationship. Well, wanted to defend myself, but choose not to. I am not proud at all, I know how stupid I was then at that time. But I learnt it and I had vowed I will be good from then.

To add on, I chose to be single for the next few years as a plan, whether it change or not is within my control. But being single, the reason i can give is, I am just not a Mr. Right to any girls out there. I am not as talented, not as handsome, not as cool, not as humourous. Till then, I had enjoyed my life being alone, reading books, playing games, performing to the standard i set for myself, pratising self-love.. What can i say? numbed to love.. a frozen warm heart.

I am reading up.On the laws of leadership. I know i pocess that power of leadership but just to mild. I have my own style, but I am reading up to become better, to increase my power. End my declining personalities.

Semester coming to an end, will be changing Class, a few questions poped out in my head. " Will I still survive as well as it is now in the new class?", " will my classmate be nice be hardworking be complying be good instead of political?" ," Will I be a hatred in class or a love in class?" I seriously feel at times I don't want to change class, I want to stick to what it is now just in case it go to the worse. But accept it, changes are inevitable, I thought I accepted that fact, am really so?

NO MONEY!!! haiz.. used to be senseless in terms of that. But now i know, everything needs money.. haiz.. got to find time to work for money.

Laziness is ruling over me too. I played in class, I rot at home, I slack out. I only listen to music,, play games and sleep. Life getting just way too boring

Moonlight shines on me, I stay so long away from blog that i forget how it looks like. Hmmm..sorry.. for the long time dissappearance, tireness and laziness put me away.. nothing much happen recently, just school, Biz Climate project, SA meeting, Judo training. hmmm

I learnt my lesson from Judo now, never go and push yourself when you are seriously tired and sleepy. Why I say so? thats because I was injured during the tuesday training. What happened? I was doing my left rolling breakfall, because I am sleepy, I used the wrong leg to flip, causing me to lan with all my toes bended!! thus injured. didn't went to visit any doctor till thursday when i feel cold the whole day due to the swellness. Right now, I am back to normal, fast huh?? I still feel so lousy, my friends are still laughing at me that i am not good in Judo, time to train harder, real HARD!!

I seriously wonder why is my confidence SO LOW nowadays, I was not able to speak well enough, I stumbled during the meeting of Biz Climate when I am suppose to present my project, in the end is my advisor zann that help me.. ARGH!! what the hell is happening?? but neverthemind, as i am back to full gear now!!.

A question came to my mind nowadays, Can i get to my future? compare to my other buddies, their future is quite clear. Honsonn wants to be a doctor, Jing Ren is going to be a combat engineer in the army for ten years and open a shop after that, Derrick is going to be a Air Force Radar officer, Shawn is going to be be his own boss, Nigel is going to be ? (forget le shit.. sorry nigel). I want to become a Army Guardsmen, Can i get to my dream?? I injured so many time le, I'm so scare i will kana SCDF!!.. I planned a alternate path for me to, I am aiming to become a presenter also, can i ever reach it??? lets hope and strive.

And nowadays, my brothers 'tao hua" keep booming ar, what about me?? nah, phobia of the black humour .. furthermore, I am not very optimistic coming to that kind of stuff. For people who don't know "tao hua'' , its a term used in chinese to discribe someone love life. hmm ya?? looks like my chinese improved!! haha..destined to sing "lonely"? nah, lets not hope so.. be optimistic!! Any way, I just educate my junior how to woo girls,haha.. maybe he will suceed? anyway, i suceeded once and almost once.. I am not experienced ma, I only woo gal twice in my life so far, other days? i woo happiness and things I like, or maybe some gals woo me..lala..impossible..just kidding.

I have to say, I am living fine nowadays, stress?? there is bound to be some, but I should be optimistic to over come. Lastly I have to say, sorry to all those who suffer my Attitude problem during the past few weeks, seriously in a very bad mood and stress during the past few weeks. but I feel, everything is going back to normal. =)