so long din blogged lea.. so much also had happen lea.. life is still yet so boring for me now....when will the real times come??
brother crisis
the day b4 was a shattered day.. for the first time honsonn quarrel with us.. i misconcept some stuffs.. shawn and jing ren unhappiness with him leads to all this... haiz. its a awaking problem.. and it had just prove what i see rite.. we are no longer like a family.. all of us changed, including me. we are more and more self-concern... everyone wants to showcase themselves.and we like no longer care for eachother like we do.. and we are putting out all our prides to shut the other party off.. sad..
i was sad when i heard honsonn say he wan to cancel the grand event of our brother.. bt i tell him not to.. bt however the plannings no doubt have make some of us unhappy... and of course honsonn was not happy either .. furthermore lao er' JR' called and actually insulted him big time..Shawn was too unhappy.. no one is happy. .bt i manage to cool my words dwn.. haiz.. i dun wan to say anymore unhappy stuffs abt tis.. its veri heart tearing for me..
some things i dun understand.. why suddenly my brother tai zi bring out his pride and find it hard to put himself dwn and try to give in and settle all tings??? bt maybe i kan blame him as thats his character.. maybe wat i tot all the times is, in a conflict, its always when some one took the first step to cool dwn.. then things will settle.. as the sincerity will touch the other party to cool dwn too..better than holding on.. maybe tts why it looks as though i am a big fool and a coward so some.. as i am always the first to say the word sorry.. my god says.. tt word will create lots of stuffs.. and its the key word to settle minor conflicts like tis.. its not tt difficult to say either.. i found out.. moreover u are saying this to a person tt is close to u.. wat i feel is this. when a closed buddy insults u..ya..maybe it is beri hurting. bt if its real close..den it is easy to forgive... maybe thats my idealogy and i dun expects anyone to be like me.. my idealogy is.. u insult me.can.. u prove to me tt u are better than me.. i will still forgive u in the sake of the word sorry with sincerity.. i wun keep in my heart.. as u din do things like kill my family or kill my loves one.. or snatch my gal or blar....haiz. tts all my theory.. blars.. cut...
yesterday i told both party abt tis ting oso.. i told them its not difficult to forgive someone..i had done it alot of times.. i told tai zi tt tis is the first time he is being insulted by one of his bro..bt i am always insulted by my brothers..bt i dun put it in heart.. i told him, if i am really suppose to be tt lousy in ur heart and yet i gt cheek to come face u all its all becos i treat u guys as my bro,and therefore i forgive and throw whatever u all insulted me.. i oso told Jing Ren, that his words maybe is too harsh.. and i told him tt he shd also say sorry to honsonn.he argees. bt i told him to say sorry in person .. ya.. tink i dun wan to say animore abt tis topic as it is alittle too sensitive and sad. bt anyway.. tis is over.. as honsonn had thought through and so is shawn and jing ren and not forgetting me.. that is the happy thing i had today, i smiled when honsonn told me tt. .and i feel myself uplifted.. haax
for me.. i will never let tis brother clan ever seperate.. i am single now, no doubt they are the closest friends i have.. they are the most trustworthy in me.. i will not loss them.. and i had always remember how they lead and guide me through my darkest day.. which even my ex-girlfriend had never done...
another topic
i also felt very impatient nowadays.. wait and wait and wait... haiz.. wait for poly admission..wait for working days.. i find myself very loss nowadays.. i don't actually know what is happening.. I helped so many people solved their problems, but i myself can't get over my problems.. i find myself very inperfect.. why? i am never sastified with myself. it looks like i always want to improve myself.. but i traces back.. then i found out, i am actually not totally out of what happen to me last year reaching the end.. i am still clinging myself to her... what she had done to me, what she had said to me... what i am doing now, it feels like i wan to showcase to her, i want to showcase to everyone that i can live without her, i will find someone better than her.. but it looks like i am overboarding myself.. am i really that desperate?? omg.. its also suddenly i put myself out of love fate.. i tink i am not to it... or maybe i am just afraid tt i might loss my pride again.. haiz... she called me just now,she said she got problems... i listen to her.. its all relationship problems.. she is being ditch by another guy... i kan explain myself, bt i feel angry with her.. and i said this' now u understand what is the feeling of being ditched..'she kan get over the guy..just like i kan get over her tt time.. it makes me think back and remember how she insult me big time to ditch me.. say i not handsome enuff!! argh.now tink le also angry.. she spoilt my impression on girls.. it makes me now want to perfect my appearane, want to be lady killer, but i am just dreaming.. that is impossible for me to do it.. once i love someone.. it hard for me to shake it off...bt i actually din feel anithing for her as in i din solve the prob like i use to for her.. lately den i found out, my heart is no longer.. with her.. I also felt very tired in St John also.. i was repremanded by one of my office tt saturday during the NCO course POC.. due to my hair.. bt other officer even the commissioner said nth.. i also dun noe why he cared tt much.. maybe its still my fault.. bt i once cared alot on how my officers sees me.. but now, i dunno why i suddenly dun even care how they judge me anymore.. i have loss my pride in there.. due to lots of political stuff i faced in there.. so disheartening... whats now..
right now, i am just passing each day after each day.. work day after day.. i just hope i dun wan to see people i dun wish to see. i want to breakaway...from what i am before.. i also hope my brother clan don't break.. i dun wish to loss friends like them..cos in poly, i will never noe who will be as truely friends just like them....i rather confirm now, then to decide later...thats all.. hope day after day will be a happy day now... hmmm
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